Tuesdays

I just returned home from my book club meeting. The last assignment was Tuesdays with Morrie. I read the book a few years ago, but I think the words meant more to me this time. I think one of the fundamental issues for me, and maybe our generation, is the idea that money isn't success. Success is much more than a number, but boy is it hard to believe that sometimes.

Right now, I am entirely focused on a career. Dentistry is my life. But when will it just be a job, and therefore not consume me. Will that ever happen? Or will I just get wrapped up in the lifestyle?

Or maybe the opposite will be true, and I will care so more about helping people, and raising my 'potential children', that I won't make much money.

Some days I wish for the former, other days the latter.

Erase Memories

I realized today that I am in the process of actively erasing bad memories. Since my breakup I have been overloaded with memories of the relationship, both wonderful and horrible. Since I am living in the same city as I did in college these memories flash back quite often. Yes I know I live in Alton now, and not Clayton, but just pretend with me...
This summer, right after the end, all I could remember was the bad times. Which I suppose was a blessing. But then after a few months the good memories were coming back to me to. And for the most part they are sparked by a restaurant, or mall, or park etc. in St Louis.
Now I am in the next stage. I am revisiting these places one by one. Not on purpose necessarily, but none the less I am going back to them. The first place was the Mills Mall. I have a horrible memory from almost that entire mall. It's huge too! And last weekend I went there with B and his brothers to bowl at Lucky Strike. I had a great time, and now I hope that when I think about that place that it is more likely that I will remember the good and not the bad. I walked around the place by myself, before everyone got there, and tried to remember all the old memories. Again both good and bad, but try to forget the bad ones. I don't want them haunting me anymore. Actually they don't haunt, it is more like they hide and then smack me in the face when I am not ready.
But I am going to maybe erase a couple more memories this weekend in Clayton. In with the good and out with the bad.

Life vs Love

I hate when day to day life gets in the way of passionate, nonsensical loving. I love the feeling of being everything to someone. The feeling that they need my presence, and don't want to be without me.
Life gets in the way of that right now. Is that because I am getting older, and responsibilities are piling up, and sometimes taking over. But no matter how old you are you always think that life is busy. Or at least I did. I wish that I could have been more carefree as a kid, but I think I always tried to be responsible.
And now all I want to do is be in a silly, don't care what anyone thinks, sort of love. One that doesn't involve the outside world sometimes. At moments I think I finally have that. And at other times, it is quite apparent that I don't. And as I sit here typing alone, and hear my roommate and her bf laughing and tickling each other in the other room, I know that life isn't that simple right now. It is for her, but she doesn't live in the real world most of the time.
So here is to loving, and not caring what other people think, what deadlines are approaching, or what time it is. Add up your score on the Love Calculator

Touchy Girls

I can't do anything right today. It seems like I can't help but piss people off today. Mainly the girls in my class. I'm having trouble on the homefront. I don't know if it is her, or if I just want to be mad at someone. But being a homeowner with roommates can suck. In the end it is my house, and that means that I am the only one who truly cares about it. The others pay rent, and therefore have no permanent attachment to the place. And since I pay the bills initially, I think they are too far separated from the reality of them.
My parents would not be happy if I left the windows open with the AC on. Or if I never did my dishes, or never cleaned, or never took the trash out, or left the lights on. But that seems like par for the course here on Aberdeen. And then I look like the overbearing bad guy when I say something. I don't know how to make a comment about those things not sound condescending. And therefore I'm the bitch.
Then I try to make jokes at school, and that is a mistake. I just end up pissing off more girls. Sometimes I think that it is inherently easier for me to be friends with guys. But then I remember that I went to an all girls high school, and left college with 6 wonderful girl friends.
Therefore I contend that it is Alton/Dental girls that I don't get along with.

Carpe Diem

Okay, I know that is a cheesy title to this blog installation but that is how I'm feeling today. I have known for sometime that I am a glass half empty sort of girl. Despite my best efforts I think this is my inherent mode of existence.
I wake up almost every morning and think about what has gone wrong, why the day will suck, or what I don't want to do. I know this sounds like a great way to start the day. But that is just how it is for me.
So what I'm saying is that it takes a little bit of time to remind myself why things aren't so bad, or even that things are going well. But that might be a weird blessing in disguise. This way I never take things for granted.
I just had a thought, I haven't prayed in years. In high school I could not fall asleep at night if I hadn't prayed. No matter how tired I was. Maybe I should start praying before bed again. And thus reflect on the good and the bad of life.
Revisiting the church couldn't hurt either, but babysteps....babysteps.
Well I will end with a quote from Liz, 'I'm Happy.'

Mistakes

How do you know for sure that you have made a mistake in life? If only life was a Choose Your Own Adventure book, and you could skip ahead to see what the consequence of your actions will be.
Life is based on timing it seems. And why do we try so hard to get ahead in life. What is the purpose? To gain respect in a society that we have no choice but to exist in?
Mistakes can be made in terms of love and in terms of career. Well those are the two problems I am dealing with now.
I guess I am saying that I wish I could go back, and see how things would have turned out. And then made my decision based on that. But life is about speculation. And maybe my crystal ball was a little cloudy that June night. Or maybe my heart was telling me to walk away, and everything was out of my control. Maybe it was his choice, and I just fell victim to it.
Did the end come down to a silly argument? I don't like to think of it that way, but sometimes I can't help but wonder.

Dinner Among Friends

I just arrived home from a wonderful dinner with Bryce, Adam, and Laurie. We laughed so much when talking of old times. And we did a surprisingly good job at filling each other in on our new lives. We all lead very separate lives now, even though Laurie and Adam and I are still in the STL metro area.
It was just nice to be among such close friends, and to still share a close bond, even though we may not all talk everyday.
I was afraid since Amar and I are no longer together, that there would be awkwardness among us. But there was none of that. We all understand the situation, and there was no need to talk about it. But he was present in spirit. When I look back on college he will always be there, forever. That is one promise I can make. And I will always remember our times with a smile.
I was given the advice this weekend to look forward to something everyday, as a way to stay happy. And dinner the with the Beaumont crew was definitely the event I was looking for.
In case you were wondering we dined at Mangia Italiano. I highly recommend it.